(other than the obvious preference to get a good nights sleep rather than hear his bitching at 11:30 at night?)
Ok, ladies. It's time we learn. Too many times we've tried and failed. It just simply CANNOT work. It's time to address why.
Before deciding if it's possible, let's take a trip down memory lane and think about the following...
Why you split up, how you were treated (both during and after the relationship), the history you have with the person and especially your intention for wanting to remain friends. Are you doing it because you can’t bear to let go? Are you doing it to punish the ex? Are you doing it because the person is genuinely a good friend to you? Why do you really want to be friends?
At this point, it should be clear whether or not you believe you COULD be friends with this person. On the off chance you're that diluted, let's decode the puzzle...
"They've changed..."
No, they haven't. You know they haven't. They know they haven't. But they're puttin' on a damn good show, now aren't they? You start to see allllllllll the things that made you interested in the first place, while all those nasty little behaviors and issues fade slowly to the background under a thin blanket of "change".... Nothing's changed. Quit lying to yourself. It's unhealthy.
Ezine Articles quotes the situation as the following:
"Whether or not your ex indulges in the declarations of undying love, he will probably be at his most apologetic now. He’s finally realized what an amazing person you are (and isn’t that music to your ears?). So you can at least be friends, cant you? You probably want to. After all, it’s better than severing all contact with someone you once loved, isn’t it? But here's the thing: you weren't friends in the first place."
"The friendship ploy is one that abusive/controlling men use frequently, without any sense of irony. If we accept the dictionary definition of a friend as ‘a person with whom one enjoys mutual affection and regard’ then an abusive or controlling relationship offers no foundation for friendship. And yet we are taught from an early age not to turn away the hand of friendship. Of course there are strings attached. Of course he makes you feel bad if you will not comply with his seemingly humble request to be friends."
"What HE ACTUALLY wants is confirmation that he still has power over you. Behind his protestations of friendship, it's not hard to read the subtext of fury and frustration."
So here's the brutally honest fact of it all:
When your relationship with someone who made you feel bad about yourself ends, changing the name of the relationship and continuing won’t leave you feeling any better about yourself.
"When you decide to leave an abusive relationship you have only two choices: you can move on or you can go down. One thing above all others you must have learned from this experience; there is no hope of compromise. The only compromise that was ever made was made by you."
You have a choice: would you rather ‘be friends’ with your ex, or have a life and a future? Rest assured, you can’t have both.
J
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One needs to be ruthless in this area
ReplyDeleteI appreciate this may be diffciult during the emotional state or at the "end"
But if you meant anything to that person they will respect your wishes and walk away.If this occurs, in the future you can still be pleasant("not friends") for a few moments if you bump into them at a supermarket or bar in the future.
If its over and they become the person you originally liked again(super nice) - my advice " you have uncovered a rat, so forget emotion & be ruthless - dump them & get back out on the town & start enjoying yourself"
Ahhh, my dear Stephen, you bring up a fantastic male perspective.
ReplyDeleteOne problem.
Can you be friends with the ex when they're HARASSING you to be friends with them, after a ridiculously difficult breakup that has involved the local police on numerous counts... lol. What if they in fact DO NOT respect your wishes and walk away. Can you, in fact, run them over with your car? :)
There are many different ways things can go when they end - I agree.
A) Both go your seperate ways.
B) Both choose to be friends.
C) One HOUNDS the other for friendship in between the usual characteristics of treating them like crap.
But I do like your rat reference... :)
Sounds like you have a class A rat on your hands there Jessica
ReplyDeleteI suppose the positive from your end is that you have decided this gimp is no longer needed in your life(apologies assuming this clown was in YOUR life - its none of my business of course)
Don't know about running them over with your car but if it gives you a better nights sleep i say go for it!!!!!!!
think you will be doing the world a favour
Can one be friends?
I suppose it depends on the maturity of those involved - if ones partner is not connecting mentally,physically,emotionally & sexually - its better to walk away as amicable as you can. It allows both the opportunity to move forward hopefully.
But its never pleasant - no easy answer - though avoid option C) at all costs!!